Everytime, when "I love you" reached the tip of my tongue, in the most appropriate moment, I inevitably swallow it. Languishing in the fact that I still think too much and by the time i have decided that "yes, it is time", the perfect moment has passed yet again. After that heady feeling passed, i think i am relieved once again of having not taking that plunge and settled back comfortably into this little niche.

Dialogue

I know it is your room too but you really shouldn't bite you know...
Yes yes, i understand the feral need for its own territories.
What?
Of course. Like lions.
Just like lions.
No, i would not like to think of us as a herd. No. Not your female.
Think of me as a food and comfort provider instead.
That makes sense. Doesn't it?
Stop showing me your tummy. No, i am not going to rub it.
Oh. Alright.
Where was i?
Yes. You shouldn't bite.
None of those sneak attacks.
None of those "pretending" to be in the jungle/safari pouncing.
No more documentaries for you.
I suspect you watch too much tv. Why can't you be like a soft toy for a change?
Oh. Sorry. I don't mean that as an insult.
...
He is getting quite pissed you know.
I know the room is "your" space for the last 2 years...
but... i have known him for much longer than i've known you.
Fair is fair.
Neither of you is the alpha male.
Yes neither.
Think of him as your brother.
Fair is fair.
And please no more who dominates here games.
It is wearing me out okie?
Now you purr. Everytime you are at the losing end of the argument, you purr.
That's sneaky.
I am on to your little mind games and i am not budging.
Oh? Okie. Maybe just half a bowl more. But that's it. Ok?
Look at your tummy.
Everyone kept telling me how fat you are.
Well, we both know you are just big... Still, got to watch your weight.
Yes. Even cat get obese. That's what the vet said.
Hmm?
Sigh.
I know.
Life is like an endless buffet, sunshine, cuddling and playing to you.
Silly cat. Ouch. Stop biting!
...
...

meow?

...
Silly cat.

It has only been 10 days but why do i feel like i have been gone for such a long time? I realized i have missed out on a lot of things or things has passed me by and i have been totally oblivious. It is like waking up finally after a long dreamless sleep when i stepped back in tune with the people and events around me, only to find that i have missed a huge chunks of what may have been important.

I don't regret not knowing though.
Just vaguely surprised and intriged at how it had happened.

Is it possible to be in a coma while waking up?
Oh. I just went on holiday.
But from what i have missed, it seemed that i have been on a holiday for a long, long time, not just the 10 days.

Now it seemed a little amusing trying to decipher which is my real life and which is my holiday.

I am so happy to receive your call today.
A nice surprise.

You took a scary ride with me when no one else could have ever gotten you to do it.
So you said.
Am i special?
Or perhaps you are more easily swayed than you think you are.

The tarot reader at Fremantle really hit the nail on the head.
Scary.

Spent alot of money on weird-ass things.
Don't ask me how, i don't even remember what i bought.

I fight because i am confused.
That i have no idea where i am
what i am to do
so i strike out, trying to land some punches.
To hit something solid
so as to know my boundaries in this darken halls
around my mind.

I fight because i do not know how
to stop, to feel secure being at peace.
To be still and feel a sense of my own presence
with people around me.
Only in a state of activity do i detect
the space around which i evolved.

I adhor serenity and stillness because
i can no longer feel where i belong
and i am lost amidst a stagnant
existence.

This is the 3rd country i get stopped by the traffic patrol for speeding.
Some odd momento to get wherever i drive.

Perth

Been quite a week.
Now adrenaline running low and i just felt like zonking out half the time.
Weather has been fine from the minute i stepped off the plane last friday.
But this weekend has been quite cloudy and perhaps a tad bit of rain.

Thing i really enjoy most this past week was driving around, enjoying the sun and being alone.
Lots to think about and ponder over.
Knowing that i can and will be able to take care of myself.
Not that it is difficult to do so in perth.
But hey, from little victories, we moved to greater ones.

And i want to move.

Finally made my decision.

PHD is off. Decided not to take it up and will not live to regret it.
Wasn't easy coming to that decision but at least it was quite clear to myself why i have chosen not to do it.

Initially, PHD was a goal because that's where the next academic milestone typically is after obtaining a Masters. It is something being kept at the back of my mind after graduation because it was a rational target and one i wouldn't mind working for if i can't find a job. From time to time, i do find myself entertaining that thought of going to study full time for a PHD when job gets tough. And why not? It seemed a logical choice to make. Where else would i be going since i would not consider changing my field of work at all? Obtaining another post-graduate degree seems like a likely plan.

Hence, it seemed like a "sign" that i was even encouraged at work to try for a PHD. Application was sent, testimonial received and 3 months later, i was suddenly faced with the choice of actually doing a PHD. And what followed was a whirlwind of how to manage my study, my work, the practicalities, the time committment and responsibilities being bombarded on me. I guess while trying to make sure that i can accomodate completing the PHD, i have not really asked myself, WHY a phd? What does it do for me? In some crazy ways, i have forgotten to answer the most fundamental question of all. Sure, if phd takes only a year and i am just picking up another degree along the way at no cost of my own, being fully funded for and what not. But no, I must be prepared to give up half my job, which i love to do, just so that i can manage to complete my phd in 4 years time. I have to be prepared to give up my social life, other oppuntunities of extra skills training courses, travelling, and personal space for a PHD. When i am confronted with this, I have to ask myself, is the PHD going to be personally fulfuiling and worthwhile for me to do all that?

So is it?

Why did i complete a masters? Do i really like to study that much? To be frank, my main objective of getting a masters was so that i can be recognized as a practising psychologist and be hired as one. To put my foot into the door so to speak. Because i KNOW that is what i want to do. To be a psychologist working DIRECTLY with children. To do intervention. To affect changes in other's life. To get dirty and scruffy. To not get stuck behind a desk, wear power suits, have my butt glued to an armchair. Those were my goals. They still are. And i must say, my effort at my masters degree had paid off because this is precisely what i am doing now at my job and i LOVE it. So what else can a PHD bring me? Prestige? A comfy chair in some university later in my life? Piles of papers and researches to read through and write? Even if i don't do those, i will be stuck at my job at the exact same place from 4 years ago before i even start the PHD. That is not what i want. It will not add any VALUE to what my goals are. I want to hone my skills as a clinician. To learn new therapy techniques. To work with more children. To understand them better.

Will a PHD by research give me all that? I don't think so. So do i want to sacrifice another 3-4years of my life just to pursue that prestige but little else? If i were to do that, it would mean more than giving up my social life and having fun. I would be giving up the chance to learn new things applicable to my work (since phd require half my work time), and i would be giving up pursuing my REAL goals in life. Sure, i would love to be called Dr Lee, make my parents proud and if PHD can be done in a year or so, why not? But it is not. I realized if i were to take it on, i would be giving up on most of the things that are important to me. If i were to be force to give those up, it damn well be for something that is more fulfuiling that a PHD.

Sorry to have to go through all those things before i make my decision. I guess i wasn't as aware of myself and what i want as i originally thought. Anyway, it was nice to know that i can be accepted onto the program. Perhaps some days i will pursue a doctorate. But this time i'll know exactly what i want and i know doing research is not it. Who knows, perhaps 3 years down the road i could be embarking on a doctorate for clinical psychology where it would be a full time degree with practicum instead of research. That's something i could explore. But till then, its going to be byebye to the PHD and back to work with a new realization of where i want to be in years to come.

I think i will be happier this way.

Things packed.
Money changed.
Ready for take off.

Arranged for car rental and accomodations in perth already
and looking forward to spending sometime alone...
going to check out the school and see my proposed supervisor while i'm there
some plans to go to albany with my colleague
now all i need to do is change some money for the trip

Hmm blogger has a new look...
when did this happen?

Finally got my car back from garage and felt kind of weird driving it at first.
Felt like driving a new car...
Been abit edgy these days when driving, always on a look out for some errant drivers that may shoot out from nowhere.
This is a new fear.
I guess that's something i have learnt.